I just got back from the doctor with Boopsie and I am feeling like a terrible Mommy.
Reason #1 – The diaper rash we’ve been battling for more than a month looks really , really bad now. (That’s why I took her.) This morning, I was telling Daddy-o that I planned to call the doctor because the prescription they called in yesterday didn’t help at all and things were looking worse.
He said, “Do you think it’s bothering her?”
And I replied, “If you had this on your butt do you think you’d be uncomfortable?”At that moment, I realized how much I’d been discounting the rash.
Full disclosure: I feel bad because I’ve been trying to avoid taking her in for another office visit (she had one at the very beginning of May) for the rash, because it’s $135 every time we go. I just feel like we should have been more aggressive.
Poor, sore-butted Boopsie. (And as a bonus, they think it might be ringworm… just f-ing faaaaaaaabulous.)
Reason #2 – Boopsie has not gained any weight in more than a month. This was an unexpected discovery and tangent during the appointment and it makes me feel awful. I took a wonderful mom and baby class through our hospital after the baby was born, and I remember one of the other mothers tearfully describing how horrible she felt when her baby was losing so much weight at first — it struck right at the heart of motherhood for her. I think what I’m feeling now is probably similar. It’s so basic: Babies eat and they gain weight. Boopsie is a GREAT eater, so the problem seems to be that she’s not getting enough calories. Too many vegetables and not enough calories. I’ve been trying so hard to give her a great, nutritional diet and it turns our she needs more calories than she’s been getting. (Why yes, I am crying as I type this.)
The doctor (one we haven’t seen before) was not mean or scolding, but she was concerned. And I feel terrible.
The plan – mix olive or canola oils in her food when I make it. Give her banana/zucchini bread, more yogurt, more protein and more caloric food. We have to go back in four weeks for a weight check.
I have never ever felt this acutely like I was failing at being a parent. It will pass, but it is painful to think about her suffering at all.
Boopsie’s taking a nap. I think I’ll go wallow for a little while.